No Regrets

Let me start with a warning that this post is going to be heavier than most. It's been a tough day in the Lauer camp.

Last night, we had a long, painfully involved discussion with Kat's orthopedic surgeon about whether we really ought to go through with the PeriAcetabular Osteotomy, or whether we should try a less invasive procedure first, with the thought in mind that she'd have a shorter recovery, and if it didn't work we could always come back again in a few months to do the PAO.

In the end, after much agony and a lot of tears, we decided to go ahead with it today. For many reasons, we needed to give Kat the best possible chance of getting better now. Though doing the bigger operation today may involve more risk and a more difficult recovery in the short term, we had to accept that. Though it may be medically safer to do so, unfortunately we just couldn't afford to take the "wait and see" approach. Kat expended an enormous amount of energy and rearranged her entire life and career to prepare for this operation. We have also been fortunate enough to have family and friends commit to making big sacrifices to help us through this. Sadly, our lives are now so mired in responsibility that it will be years before the stars realign in such a way that we'll have another opportunity to commit to this operation and its inherent recovery period. We just couldn't accept the possibility of another year or two of living with the pain, or with all of the limitations that it inflicts; no hiking, no biking, no gardening, no running around after Nora, and no chance of conceiving again. All the while, her hip could be getting worse, making the chances of a successful PAO ever more remote.

So, today was the big day. MJ and Dan came to town last night and took over Nora's care, so that Kat and I could turn our attention to her left hip. We hit the hospital doors at 5:15 this morning, she was in the OR by 7:30, and she woke up 9.5 hours later.

I was too anxious to just wait around, of course. I had to do something, so I did what I always do... I went and did some operations of my own. Right across the hall. It was a good distracter, but unfortunately we had some cancellations so I ran out of cases by lunch time. Initially, I resisted any temptation to even peek in the door of her room. Then, at about 2:00, her surgeon called me and said things were going great, and asked me if I wanted to come take a look. My stomach initially turned at the thought of seeing my wife laid open, her pelvis in pieces and her muscles detached. But then it occurred to me... what an incredible opportunity! To be able to see for myself exactly what we're up against.

To be clear, the surgeon was careful to invite me down only for the most controlled portion of the case, when everything was exposed and he could demonstrate for me what the problem was and what he had done to fix it. He wisely chose to make sure I was not in the room to see anything gruesome. I saw no bleeding, and thankfully I do not have to live with the image someone breaking my wife's pelvis.

What I did see was nothing short of amazing. I saw for myself why she was hurting so much. And I saw what he had done to fix it. I stayed for nearly two hours, and when I left I was neither disturbed nor upset. I was relieved. We made the right choice. She's going to get better.

Even as I scrubbed the adhesive from her face and the soap from from her side tonight, as I adjusted her SCD's, held her emesis basin for her and cleaned up afterwards when she missed, I felt not a hint of regret or doubt about this decision. She's comfortable now, resting quietly next to me in her hospital bed, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. Most of all, though, I'm grateful that I can sleep tonight (and for the first night in three days) knowing that her suffering from this surgery, and all the sacrifices our loved ones have made to help us through it, are not in vain.

To everyone who is pitching in, thank you. You're giving Kat a chance to take control of her life again, to reclaim her identity. This next couple of months is going to be tough, and we couldn't do it without you.

We'll try to keep this blog lighter in the future, and turn the attention back to the reason you're really all here in the first place (pictures and videos of Nora being Nora). As she mentioned in her last post, Kat keeps a separate blog for all the fussing, but that one is really just for her... tonight I just had to say my bit.